HOW TO REBULD A RELATIONSHIP WHEN YOU ARE FEELING MISTRUST, FEELING UNSAFE, CLOSED-OFF, SEPARATE, UNABLE TO FEEL LOVE WITH YOUR PARTNER
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You can rebuild trust and intimacy with your partner in relationship with a process as per below:
- Dissolving and Melting the Image of your partner as the Enemy
Isolate each point of conflict and write or speak what it is you are believing that is creating the experience of mistrust and walling yourself off from them.
As you observe each point turn your attention to any innocence that is there. What was it that this person was attempting to do, from their perspective.
Start it with ‘In her/ his innocence she/he was just…’
Keep going until you also find the innocence in the apparent attack. Ensure you write it down, and when in a place of calmness share it verbally with your partner. Perhaps, say it as ‘I’d like to share with you what I imagine could have been going on for you recently. Would you be willing to simply hear what I sense when I step into your shoes and would you be willing to let me express that and then share only your feedback as to how accurately I have felt your situation?’
It could sound anything like:
- ‘In your innocence I imagine that you were trying to protect yourself and that you were not trying to attack me at all.’
- ‘In your innocence I imagine that you felt very hurt and confused and didn’t know what to do with all that energy and you did the one thing you knew how, in order to give you some relief.’
- ‘In your innocence I imagine that you felt you were not in control and felt disempowered, and in this place you said something to me that would give you a sense of gaining some control.’
Find the innocence in the apparent enemy.
- Finding the Friend
Here, we find and see the evidence that they are on your side, rather than your enemy. The more we focus on the particular assumptions (from above step) the more we start to only see evidence to support that our partner is indeed untrustworthy, unsafe etc. The brain always tries to prove you right in what you focus on, and delete anything that contradicts this, so before you know it, you are living in the apparent reality of your deepest assumptions (which were there before your partner ever came along.) You are also deleting all the ‘good’ evidence, as you build up your case for why they simply can’t be trusted.
Everything that you could every think of, there will be evidence to be found, or already available, to support this. If you believe the glass is half empty, then it is to you. If you believe it is half-full then it is just that. And they are both, because you can have both beliefs. There are times when people are trust-worthy, for example, and times when they are not. Both beliefs are true yet neither is absolutely true. No matter who you are with, you will eventually see your same assumptions manifest into reality as you delete and build up appropriate evidence. It’s only a matter of time.
So, start on some direct question to your subconscious and conscious brain, by first asking the following:
- “Where is he/ she my friend?”
- “How is he/ she my friend?”
- “How do I know that he/ she is on my side?”
- “What has he/ she done that shows me they completely care about me?”
- “What has he/ she done that shows consideration of me?”
Some answers could be:
- ‘You showed genuine concern about how that decision was going to affect me.’
- ‘You are sexually and energetically loyal to me, now matter what conflict happens between us’
- ‘You continue loving me and working on ways to find solutions when we have conflict’
Voice these statements to your partner when the time is right. Once again, encourage them to just hear you, without interruption.
- Grievances
Check through to any further grievances that you may hold about your partner. See what it is you think and feel is missing. What it is that you still want from them that you strongly wish was there. Isolate each statement and work with each one to construct a new reality by opening up to the possibilities.
In this, you are taking responsibility for allowing new possibilities to be there in your life.
Some examples of grievance statement and their new possibilities include:
GRIEVANCE:
“My life turns upside-down when you get totally emotional and out of control”
becomes
NEW EMPOWERING BELIEF:
“It’s completely possible that I can have a stable and secure life consistently, despite my partner’s emotional swings.”
GRIEVANCE:
“You don’t help and support me in the house and I am completely overwhelmed.”
Becomes
NEW EMPOWERING BELIEF:
“It’s completely possible that this house is constantly clean, tidy, loved and cared for in a way that allows me to be relaxed and enjoying the space and beauty it has to give me.”
Write down all your grievances that you hold about your partner in the context of youyou’re your life. Notice how these all feel.
Then , come up with new Empowering Beliefs for each one. Sit for a moment, say it to yourself again and get a sense of how this belief feels in your /component/option,com_jcalpro/Itemid,99999999/extmode,flat/”>cialis prescription body. Notice what it feels like in your heart. Go to your solar plexus, say it again and see how that sits for you. If it feels good, or simply better than the old grievance, you’ve found your truth. Recite your new possible statements every morning and night for 2-3 weeks and watch your reality start to align with this.
Also, recite your Empowering Beliefs when you hear the old limiting grievance arise. That is the time to make a new choice and to set up your new neurocircuits to align with new realities, physically in your brain. Whenever you hear that old, limiting belief popping into your mind, you can immediately turn your attention to simply saying the new, empowering belief in its place. Those old beliefs WILL come up, because most of them have been there since childhood and are habitual. But you can leverage this phenomenon and use these limiting beliefs when they arise to be reminded and pointed to simply choosing to say your new belief instead. Soon enough, the old neuronal pathways associated with the limiting beliefs, start to weaken, and you become less likely to even think of that old belief as this happens. And when you think it less, you build up less evidence and your starts to not reflect this belief. It’s a case of use it, or lose it! It just takes time and practice.
It takes the same amount of energy and effort to believe and say that the glass is half-empty, or that the world is full of people who can’t be trusted as it does to say the glass is half-full and people can be trusted. Which beliefs make you feel better? Which beliefs serve you most? The limiting ones protect you, but they don’t allow you to experience the fullness and richness of life.
When we align and stand for new possibilities it is likely that any obstacles in the way of that, can also surface, in order to be cleared. So be clear in knowing that if shit hits the fan, it is likely to be part of the process of coming closer to your ultimate reality. Simply examine any further grievances and limiting beliefs by writing down what you believe, what the assumptions are that are arise and come up with new possibilities with your ‘It’s completely possible that I…’ statement. Take ownership, as they are all your beliefs.
Take back full control and responsibility for creating a new reality. You are completely powerful in that.
Tags: Apparent Attack, Assumptions, Calmness, Express, Feedback, Imagine, Innocence, Intimacy, Love, Mistrust, Partner, Perspective, Point Of Conflict, Relationship, Shoes
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